Do I look like a potential gunman?

I'm used to be scanned extra at the airport but today it was just insane. I didn't have had that much technical stuff this time .... just my laptop actually, but after it went through the scanner a woman asked me to follow her with my computer. So I went after her. She asked me to unpack it on a table. So then she was rubbing with a tissue over the keyboard and I thought they would search for drugs ... which of course was a big issue for me that I ... I ... who doesn't drink alcohol that often, never took any drugs and doesn't smoke is suspected lol. While she was exermining the tissue I asked another guy from the staff next to me what this test was about .... he said they were searching for explosive materials. Now I was speachless .... do they think I look like a gunman????

Seriously, do I?/J.

I start to feel better again - I guess

Yes that's a fact. I'm still not "landed" 100% but life starts to become a routin again. I've full up with preparations around my life lol. Tomorrow I will hopefully know more about the next week and will feel better then again. Being in some kind between vaccum and bench vice is strange. I have so many plans which I have to squeeze in.

Tomorrow I finally have to to visit the gym again. Which is important since the next run is in about 1 month ... rather less - 6 km - and I feel not prepared for this one. But running and sport will help me to sort my mind and to get this panic out of myself. In every free minute I think about what to manage how and what happens if I do it that way .... or when if I do it the other way. So I can't wait to have that feeling of a blank mind tomorrow evening.

strange day again

well I'm still not here ... at least not my heart ... I guess I just left it somewhere in Sweden.

My feelings are still going up and down ... I hope it's the hormons lol and no depression or something. That wouldn't be nice.

Well, as I wrote earlier I have a tight schedule this week ...

Monday: Work + driving lecture
Tuesday: Work + doctors appointment
Wednesday: Work + driving lecture
Thursday: Work + gym
Friday: Work + driving lecture
Saturday: rehearsals with the band, dunno yet if I can queeze in some gym too
Sunday: first aid cours

Next week doesn't look better. At least I don't have to go on a business trip this week already. But next week it's time. To bad that my schedule next week actually doesn't look very different from this week. And at the end of August my church choir rehearsals will also start. I have no idea how I will manage that. This is also driving me insane at the moment.

If I'm not having stomach problems due to private stuff, this is doing the rest to keep my stomach busy and hurting. :(

Hugs
/J.

... B-A-C-K ....

Back again .... back on track ... back at home .... back at work ... back in my life.

I hate the first days after vacations, since this feels so surreal. I thought this would never happen to me again, after I decided in 2006 not to move to Sweden and stay in Germany to get a reasonable life here. And suddenly those feelings are back. It's not that I regret that I didn't do it back then, it's just that I right now wanna be there...

It's probably just because those 2 weeks of vacations felt so incredible good and I was enjoying myself so much, but I never had such a bad start at work as today. Normally I was happy to be at work again, to meet all my colleagues again. But today it just felt surreal. It felt like dreaming ... I just didn't know if I had dreamt the past 2 weeks or if I was dreaming today. I'm in a strange state right now.

Anyway I got beautiful flowers today and hundrets of hugs because of my birthday and then I also got a really cool present. They had collected money to send me to a special driving training when I finally have my dl :) This is gonna be fun to slide around with a car through water and ice :)

And it looks that I really will have my first business trip after vacations this week. This was kinda surprising. I will know more tomorrow I guess ... and I had so many plans this week already ...

day 15 - last day here - don't wanna leave

Today the weather was at least a little bit better than yesterday. When I woke up I had finally gotten an answer to the biggest question mark that was in my head the past days. I received a nice email which totally knocked me out because of the kind words standing in it. I'm so happy that I have so many close and nice friends around me, I just wanna cry that there are people who care so much about me. I certainly have the best friends in the world :)

AAAAnyway ... I followed the instructions of that email... which basically were to write an email to someone else to get things sorted ... but no response.

So I will leave Sweden tomorrow with a stone on my chest .... it's laying there where it has been the past days ... I don't like that feeling. But it's probably for the best. I will do what people told me ... I hand it over to God. I let him decide, wether I like it or not, I can't do anything at this state, since this has to be done personally and not by email or any other media.

Back to my day, which we spent in Slottskogen. I love that place, I love to just go around in there watch the animals, enjoy the nature. I love to think and sort my mind... which didn't help in that specific case.

When it started to rain we got back home to pack our luggage and clean the apartment we spent the last 2 weeks in. So that my friends who normally live here will have it nice and cosy when they are back from the trip :)

So that's it .... vacations are over, tomorrow at 11:45 am we take off and then I'm back in reality. I will have the feeling again that it was just a nice dream and the recovery will probably last until I start work monday morning.

Isn't that weird?

day 14 - another rainy day ... filled with emotions

Yesterday was a strange day ... it was raining most of the day and my emotions were running wild, as you can see on my prior-posting from yesterday evening. I'm driving A nuts I think... but she is my Lieblingsfreundin lol so she has to live with that. And she is a very understanding person I have to add :)

In the morning we went to the airport to finally get the things with our car crash on day 2 sorted, since the counter won't be open when we leave the car at the airport tomorrow. So that was the main thing that happened yesterday lol. Besides that it was raining again.

Short update I know :)

/J

spiritual journey

Lay back and think of the most strange thing you ever experienced spiritual wise ... I can tell some, like dreaming of things that happen, asking for something that will just fall in front of myself just a couple of seconds later, cursing - followed by the fact that something happens, like things falling on the floor or some other strange noise .... I could go on for a while.

Anyway ... I do believe in God, I really do, but some things that happened the past days just knock me out of my normal being. I'm thinking so much about it, that I have problems to sleep, have constant stomach ache and I just want to have answers to one specific question...

I'm confused, that's the actually term to determinate the state I am in right now.

I won't get into details though but I really have to get this out of myself. I had some issues that were keeping me busy for some reason. I was sure if I go for them I would hurt a dear friend of mine. So I discussed that with my friend K. She said "pray about it and you will get a sign. Leave it in the hands of God. He is gonna help you."

I thought, yes what would that be. How could HE ever make things straight again for me. I just didn't want to hurt that person, at the same time I wanted to get the answer I was looking for. So I asked my friend: "What will that sign be? How will I make sure that just that thing is that sign". She simply said: "Be sure, you will know by then."

So the day after I got the answer. It was written on a piece of paper. No doubt that it wasn't meant for me, no doubt about the meaning of the words. That was the answer I was looking for. I was amazed. I'm still amazed ... how can that be? On the other hand I'm left with another big question mark in my brain - what shall I do now??? I know that I suck on those emotional things. Even more I suck on being pro active ... as a person. I'm afraid that my little world will fall apart and I remain hurt. I'm afraid of making a fool out of myself...

Anyway I think I will do another prayer session tonight and ask for help to get the answer I'm longing for ...

day 13 - service at Gullbrannagården

weather: sunny and a bit cloudy; +20°C

location: Gullbrannagården, near Halmstad

feeling: sad, since this great time is about to end

Since I have had coffee in the late evening I wasn't able to get asleep, when we were back in our room. I had no book with me so I took one of the books I had bought from Jenny and started to read a bit in it ... I was looking for my fave parts ..

. read them ... scanned the whole book basically. I was looking for the parts that would mirror my sadness, my sort of lost feeling I had. I felt strange ... not sure if it was because of the fact that the coming day the last occasion would be, if it was another thing I kept thinki

ng about. I just felt strange. I stopped reading at 2:30 am I think, since I wanted to get A more chance to rest. So I was laying there ... thought about everything that just jumped into my mind. And that was a lot. I checked the clock again, went to the bathroom, tried to sleep, checked the clock again as if I was waiting for the net day to arrive.

The last time I checked the clock it was 3:30 am and then I somehow was falling asleep. I dreamt some stupid things and woke up again. I was awake, this is useless, I thought so I got up at 6:10 am. A was still asleep, of course, since that is

what people should do at that time during their vacations, right? I got dressed and left the room. I was walking around on the site, discovered the rest o

f the territory in the early hours. There was a rabbit hopping along my way, it was so cute so I followed him.

A tiny frog on my way to the beach :)

The beach in the early morning hours!

When I was done with the site I decided to go to the beach. The sun was about to finally shine when I arrived there and it was just beautiful. Like a small piece of heaven. I was the only one there - of course - and I was just going there thinking. People tell me I think too much though ... but how can you stop that lol.

Anyway when I came back from my trip - I had taken so many nice pictures - I got to wake A up. We went to have breakfast, when that was done we had to get our stuff together to return the room. We had no clue that we were having that much with us. I was looking for the additional people who were hidden somewhere since all those bags and stuff could all belong to us. But it did.

Since there was a burglary on the site a day before and a lot of technical stuff got stolen we had to take our equipment with us the whole day. We went back to the beach and walked a bit, but when it got to heavy we had to go to the site again. And because it was lunch time, this was the perfect moment anyway.

Nice pic from a castle made of sand :)

We stayed there the whole day basically, since the bags were just too heavy. Half an hour before the service we went to the location. We got unpacked again, the same questions as every time - "Are you from the press?" - My answer: "We we are recording for Jenny's site - The Jenny Source." Then you either get a "Ok, I just had to ask." or a "Well that's a good one." lol It's really amazing how many people actually know that site when they research about her :)

Jenny and Jakob came along smiling kindly as always. They did a fast funny soundcheck and we were laughing so much, since they were improvising just singing what came into their mind.

The service was opened with "Aldrig Ensam". I just love that song, it's so deep and full of meaning :) It was a great service and very moving. Jenny and Jakob played some of the old songs, they haven't performed for a long time (at least not when we were around).

The tracklist:

Aldrig Ensam

Tvivel

Look At The Cross

Välsignelsen

and some Swedish psalms, which were really nice esp. when the whole Church sang

A funny occasion was when the sacrament was done the Church sang "Let Us Break Bread Together" but in Swedish. I had to laugh because I had thins song in my head since we had sandwiches with Jenny & Co. in the dressing room after the concert in Götene. Since they just had 6 sandwiches and we were 7 A and I had to break ours and in that very moment the song was in my head. I haven't sung it for more than 10 years, so this felt magic in that very moment.

After the service Jenny was signing books and Jakob came to us. We talked about his current job in Karlstad and that we really want to see that. He said that it is in Swedish and therefore hard to understand for A. "But on the other hand I'm playing an old man that had swallowed a sword and crossed my vocal chords, so you will understand as much as the Swedish audience." Jakob is a really nice guy I have to tell you. He is so warm and openminded and soooo funny. He told us that the e-piano he played on sucked and that he was fighting so hard. I told him, we could see that. He was laughing and said: "I hope you could only see it in my eyes." I told him "No, in your whole face." He made a funny face and said: "I hope Jenny won't get to know."

We got our stuff together and went to the back where Jenny was still signing books. When she was finished she was talking with us a bit. The woman who was leading the women's night and also part of the service asked her for a picture for her blog, so we said, that we would also love to have pictures. The woman took some of Jenny and Jakob, then Jenny came and said to me, wanna have one with me or also with the Hooligan, since Jakob has very short her now due to the wig he has to have in his show. I told her that I want also the Hooligan to be on that pic. I haven't seen the pictures so far. A got also some of course and then also the woman wanted to have one of them, so I took also pictures of the 3 together.

Jenny told us that she has to get all the stuff together, since they have a long way home and they want to leave asap. She thanked us for being with them. We told her it was our pleasure and we really experienced more that we had ever imagined and that we are looking forward to the next time. I wanted to say so much more, but due to the fact that I had only 2,5 hours of sleep I just wasn't able to lol. We got another warm hug from Jenny and Jakob and went back to our car.

Late in the night we arrived in Gothenburg, where it was raining so bad.

So that was our summer tour with Jenny :) Hope you enjoyed my thoughts and captions around this.

Hugs

/J.

day 12 - next lecture in Gullbrannagården

weather: beautiful +21 °C and sun

location: west-coast from Gothenburg to Halmstad

feeling: stray :P

Back on the road and off to Gullbrannagården, where another lecture . women's night, would be this evening. The weather

was beautiful. Before we got on the road we stopped in the city center of Gothenburg to buy the "Here I Am" sin

gle. Jenny said that it should be available at the central station. The first obstacle was the parking fee we needed to pay, since we both were out of coins. I went to the first store and they actually wanted to have money from me if they exchange the money ... no way! I finally found a supermarket and got coins there.

Anyway, it was impossible for us to find that single so we got back in the car and drove down to that beautiful place I'm right now. This seems to be paradise lol: really nice nature, a beautiful beach (in

fact the first long sand beach I ever experienced in Sweden) and very nice people.

Image from the beautiful beach.

After we checked in we conquered our room and got prepared, we had still a lot of time ahead. So first thing we did was searching the beach and having a look at the whole place. This was just beautiful. Then we

decided to lay on the grass and take it easy. We had to relax since the trip the day before was still in our bones somehow :)

In the late afternoon we were starving and got a Pizza in the café that is on the site. We were just waiting for the food when Jenny and Jakob walked along waving at us. When the pizza was ready and I got it Jakob was passing me and told me it looks delicious. And it really was. We enjoyed our meal and went to the small shop afterwards to get something to drink. When we came back Jenny walked up to us with a cup of coffee and asked us if we wanna join. So we did. Suddenly Jenny was laying her phone in front of us and said: "Would you do me a favor and write something on my FaceBook?". A wasn't really sure what to write ... so it was my turn and I just wrote what I felt in this very moment:

"Spending a fantastic time with jenny at a beautiful place called gullbrannagården in southern Sweden. feeling blessed to collect so many great memories. Jessi & Anja"

After that was done we went outside since Jakob was doing the soundcheck of his equipment. We got to sit in the grass and told Jenny that we couldn't find the single anywhere etc. Then Jenny had to do her soundcheck and we got in our room again to change and grab all our stuff.

Me, waiting for the lecture to start.

had to wait another hour, but then it was finally time to go to the entrance. We didn't expect that so many women would come and also standing in line half an hour before the lecture. So we took our place in the line. We were waiting some time and then we saw Jenny walking to the end of the line. She was talking to some people, presenting herself. Then she came along that line. She smiled when she saw us with our equipment. "Are those heavy?", she asked pointing at A.'s backpack. Before we really could answer she tried to lift it and then she lifted mine. She said we should follow her to bring in inside and to pick a seat .... so we did.

We arranged our equipment and while we did that all the other women came inside. We had some salad and then it was finally Jenny's turn. She started with "Bridge Over Troubled Water" again then she talked about her book. I don't remember if I already wrote that in another blog, but I love that Jenny is giving new details in every lecture .... e.g. sometimes she is just naming a song ... another time singing it. She gives also more information about several things in the book etc. So at the end I saw so many lectures already and I still learn something new every time :)

Of course she did great and we all gave her a big applaud at the end, when she and Jakob ended the lecture with "Give Me The Faith". After that it was signing session again. I got 2 books for 2 fans who wanted to have them and Jenny signed them. When she was done with the signing she came over to us. All guests had been gone by that time. We talked a bit about several things and then I gave Jenny 2 presents her fans had sent to me. One was just written in an Email with a short note for me in the beginning so she was laughing a lot while reading that in German.

After that she chose the Remix-Contest-Winner, for the contest we were running on The Jenny Source the past weeks ... more about that when we are back.

Anyway it was around 1 am when we got out of the building and we all needed some sleep :)

day 11 - back to Gothenburg

weather: Öland - rain +16°C / Gothenburg - sun 21°C

location: on the way from Öland to Gbg

feeling: tired

The day today started cloudy and summed up into some rain on Öland. Since there was nothing to do in the rain we decided to get on our way back to Gothenburg, which took basically the whole day.

I'm glad to be back in our apartment again, since I missed some space and also the internet. Yes, call me addicted :)

day 10 - Jenny lecture on Öland

weather: sunny +23°C

location: Öland

feeling: good :)

The second day on Öland we started with a walk through the city and some shopping. After that we went to the place where Jenny would hold her lecture later on. Since it was such a nice day it was great to work a bit on the laptop in the sun. When I walked to our car to get my jacket I bumped into Jenny who just had arrived and was unloading her car.

She gave me a hug and told me that she just had something to eat and needs to prepare for her lecture. I told her that we would see each other later on and went back to A. Jakob was there as well. On the way to the venue Jenny came to us and we talked for a short time about when we arrived and how the weather was, then she and Jakob went inside.

The lecture was very good. There were a lot of young Christians which had gathered there at the summer camp. The venue was full and everybody was listening so carefully. In the beginning Jenny & Jakob played "Bridge Over Troubled Water" and I got goose bumps all over my body because it sounded so nice, even though Jenny mentioned that she didn't have had time to rehearse or give her voice a warm up. The lecture was longer than usually; Jenny really enjoyed talking to those young people. At the end she and Jakob sang "Give Me The Faith" and I was so moved ... again I had goose bumps :))

After the lecture we got some bread and juice, since that was included in the price and we didn't have had any dinner. Jenny was signing and selling so many books; it was amazing.

Another great day :)

Hugs

/J.

day 9 - on the way to Öland

weather: Gothenburg - rain + 15°C / Öland sun +22°C

location: through whole Sweden ending up on Öland

feeling: still high from the fantastic day before :)

well on day 9 (01.07.2010) we basically just went to Öland, which took like 5 hours. Then we checked in and took a walk through the city of Borgholm. We went to the castle ruin and to Soliden, which was sadly enough closed :(. Due to the trip and the walk through the city we went to bed early.

A beautiful guest came in the evening. This little butterfly was flying around in the room. When A came back into the room she laughed: "Normal people would let it out and what are you doing? Standing on a chair, taking pictures."

day 8 - having a blast :) part 2 - Götene Adventure Park

weather: rain and sun; +22°C

location: Götene

feeling: happy and lucky

We were wondering how Jenny would make it to the lecture in time since we were arriving quite late for that lecture and Jenny needed to go home first. We went into the park and it was a real adventure land. I told A that I would love to try all those things, they had pirate boats and boats on the water, floats, jumping pillows every thing you would imagine on an adventure playground. Too bad I'm too old for that I thought.

We were walking around in that park, looking for the little stage. We were not sure if we had come right or if we hadn't mixed up something, since Jenny was not in sight, another band was on that little stage and this didn't seem the right place for a lecture. I was asking for a sign if we had come right and in that minute they made the announcement that Jenny would start half an hour later on that little stage. So we went there to get some seats and getting our equipment prepared.

This lecture was quite short compared to the others we had been to and Jenny was accompanied by the soundcheck of her band in the back, which was funny.

After the lecture we went to the arena they had where the big stage was arranged. We watched the soundcheck and had a little talk with Staffan and Terese afterwards until they had to get ready for their concert.

The sky was getting cloudy by the time the band which was playing before Jenny & Co. had their performance. But then it was time and Jenny and her Band (Staffan Birgersson, Terese Fredenwall & Simon Petrén) entered the stage. It was a nice feeling being on that event. Even if it started raining and I was sitting there with an umbrella to cover the cameras and a rain jacket some part of the show we were very much enjoying ourselves.

By that time I had forgotten all I was thinking of the whole day since Jenny gave me that riddle :) When she suddenly was looking at me. She said that there was a woman in the audience sitting in the front row, who just filled 30-years this week and that she want me to stand up. She was laughing. So I stood up. She said I should come in front of the stage and on stage. My brain stopped thinking at that time. I just realized that she was introducing our website and then I was somehow on stage. She said that everyone had to sing "Happy Birthday" for me so the audience had to, she even made them stand up all-together. When they were finished (I'm not sure if it was by that time or if she said that or before they sang "Happy Birthday" she said that the next song is "Bless The Broken Road" and that I was supposed to sing it with them. I told her I would, which was more a simple "Ja!" or something in between a "Ja!" and a noise lol

Terese was also smiling big at me and said welcome to the band lol. I was laughing, this was the most amazing thing I had ever done. So we did that song, the only song I didn't know by heart - ain't that funny?! When we were done Jenny came over to me whispering to me "that was good, wanna stay here for "Here I Am" as well". And I was like "sure". So "Here I Am" was being played and it was so cool. I have no idea how Jenny guessed one of my inner dreams :) I guess she is just gifted :)

The tracklist was basically (not in the right order for sure)

Jesus Take The Wheel

The Sky Proclaims Your Glory

Ravine

Beautiful Life

Lucky Love

Bless The Broken Road

Säg Bara Mor

Moonshadow

encore: No More Nights

I will have to think if I missed something.

When the concert was over we were waiting for the others, Jenny was signing books and the band was packing their stuff together. Terese came down and we talked a bit about how I liked being on stage with them, Staffan joined us too and we were talking a bit. I had asked Terese to bring her album for us, since this is so beautiful and of course we wanted a copy. So she went off to get it for us. When Jenny had finished her signing she was going backstage when she suddenly turned around looking at me. Then she was coming over to us giving me a big hug telling me that it sounded good. We were talking about how we liked the show and how I experienced my being part of it. She said if we caught that on camera and I told her that my camera must have gone off while I was on stage. She said: "Oh no, I will ask Simon to get a copy for you from the footage they shot." So Simon had to go there and ask for a tape. Jenny asked if we were hungry and that she had sandwiches so we should follow her. We ended up in their dressing room having sandwiches and cakes, laughing and talking about all and everything. Also Jenny's sister in law Johanna was there, a very nice girl, as nice as the others.

The boys discovered a stage in the back of that room, which was the little stage from the afternoon where Jenny was holding her lecture while we were still sitting there talking we could hear them making some noise. Terese and Johanna followed. After 10 minutes Johanna came in and said: "Wanna come and play? We have the whole park for us." We 3 were jumping up, of course we wanted. So A. and I were running outside, searching for the others. I realized that I had a white jacked that I better took off so I went back to leave it. When I came back to the playground the others were already on the adventure trip of the pirate ships, which was something like an obstacle run :) When we had finished Jenny suddenly came running out of the building to join us. We went into another funny "building" with a lot of holes ... something like a labyrinth, which is esp. funny when you are grown up and hit your head or your back all the time and when it's dark outside. After that we tried the floats, Terese, Johanna and I against A. and Simon. Each of us won one time. Then it was Jenny against Staffan... Guess who won.

When that was done we tried the boats. I've never rowed before, so this was really an adventure for A. and I was just laughing so bad. In the end we tried this huge jumping pillow and were having so mach fun. We were jumping altogether like crazy, got kicked off one by one, landed in the sand, laughed, got on again.

Totally exhausted we were getting inside again to pack our stuff and get out of the park. Jenny and her staff had to take another way out, since they had their car inside the park. Jenny hugged us again and told us what a great day she had.

When we arrived at the access it was closed. We had to go back until we found a guy who said that he didn't have keys but he knows another one if we would follow him. So we did. Meanwhile I was thinking that this was against everything I would normally do ... go not with strangers in the dark through en empty territory lol was in my mind all the time. But when we had gone quite a while talking about the show we met a woman that knew how to open the access for us again. So we went back again. But it showed that she didn't have the right code, so she got the alarm activated .... I thought we would be trapped there forever.

But at the end we got out. It was 11 pm by that time and we were happy to sit in the car again on our way home.

I had such a great day .... words can't describe

Hugs

/J.